When Translations go Wrong:

These are extracts from real letters to the Department of Health and

Social Security.

 Our lavatory seat is broken in half and is now in three pieces.

Can you please tell me when our repairs are going to be done as my

Wife is about to become an expectant mother.

I want some repairs doing to my cooker as it backfired and burnt my

knob off.

The toilet is blocked and we can't bath the children until it is

cleared.

Will you please send someone to mend our broken path as my wife

Tripped and fell on it and she is now pregnant.

Our kitchen floor is very damp and we have two children and we would

like a third so will you please send somebody round to do something

about it.

Would you please repair our toilet. My son pulled the chain and the

Box fell on his head.

Mrs. Smith has no clothes and has had none for over a year. The clergy

have been visiting her.............

In reply to your letter, I have already cohabited with your officer

with no results so far.

I am pleased to inform you that my husband who was reported missing,

Is dead.

Mrs. Adams has asked me to collect her money as she is going in to

hospital to have her overtures out.

Sir, I am forwarding my marriage certificate and two children - one of

which is a mistake as you will see.

My husband is diabetic and has to take insolence regular but he finds

he is lethargic to it.

Unless I get my husbands maintenance money soon I shall be obliged to

live an immortal life.

The children have been off school because there is a lot of measles

Out and I had them humanised.

Please forward my money at once as I have fallen into errors with my

landlord and milkman.

You have changed my little boy into a little girl.  Will this matter?

Mrs Brown only THINKS she's ill, but believe me she is nothing but a

hypodermic.

In accordance with your instructions I have given birth to twins in

The enclosed envelope.

I want my sick pay quick. I have been in bed under the doctor for a

week and he is doing me no good. If things don't improve I shall get

another doctor.

I do not get any money from my son. He is in the army and his regiment

is at present manuring on Salisbury plain.

Re your dental enquiry.  The teeth on top are alright but those on my

bottom are hurting dreadfully.

I am very annoyed to find you have branded my son illiterate. This

is a lie as I married his father a week before he was born.

I am sorry I omitted to put down all my children's names. This was due

to contraceptional circumstances.

I wish to complain that my father hurt his ankle very badly when he

Put his foot in the hole in his back passage.

TOILET OUT OF ORDER. PLEASE USE FLOOR BELOW

In a Laundromat:

AUTOMATIC WASHING MACHINES: PLEASE REMOVE ALL YOUR CLOTHES WHEN THE LIGHT GOES OUT

In a London department store:

BARGAIN BASEMENT UPSTAIRS

In an office:

WOULD THE PERSON WHO TOOK THE STEP LADDER YESTERDAY PLEASE BRING IT BACK OR FURTHER STEPS WILL BE TAKEN

In an office:

AFTER TEA BREAK STAFF SHOULD EMPTY THE TEAPOT AND STAND UPSIDE DOWN ON THE DRAINING BOARD

Outside a secondhand shop:

WE EXCHANGE ANYTHING - BICYCLES, WASHING MACHINES, ETC. WHY NOT BRING YOUR WIFE ALONG AND GET A WONDERFUL BARGAIN?

Notice in health food shop window:

CLOSED DUE TO ILLNESS

Spotted in a safari park:

ELEPHANTS PLEASE STAY IN YOUR CAR

Seen during a conference:

FOR ANYONE WHO HAS CHILDREN AND DOESN'T KNOW IT, THERE IS A DAY CARE ON THE 1ST FLOOR

Notice in a farmer's field:

THE FARMER ALLOWS WALKERS TO CROSS THE FIELD FOR FREE, BUT THE BULL CHARGES.

Message on a leaflet:

IF YOU CANNOT READ, THIS LEAFLET WILL TELL YOU HOW TO GET LESSONS

On a repair shop door:

WE CAN REPAIR ANYTHING. (PLEASE KNOCK HARD ON THE DOOR - THE BELL DOESN'T WORK)

Outside a dress shop, Hong Kong:
Ladies have fits upstairs.

An advertisement by a Hong Kong dentist:
Teeth extracted by the latest Methodists.

In a Tokyo shop:
Our nylons cost more than common, but you'll find they are the best in the long run.

Information booklet about using a hotel air conditioner, Japan:
Cooles and heates: if you want just condition of warm air in your room, please control yourself.

Car rental brochure, Tokyo:
When passenger of foot heave in sight, tootle the horn. Trumpet him melodiously at first, but if he still obstacles your passage then tootle him with vigor.

Detour sign in Kyushi, Japan:
Stop. Drive sideways.

Dry cleaner's, Bangkok:
Drop your trousers here for the best results.

Hotel catering to skiers, Austria:
Not to perambulate the corridors in the hours of repose in the boots of ascension.

Hotel, Vienna:
Case of fire, do your utmost to alarm the hotel porter.

Hotel in Romania: Posters on all toilets
Higiene gurarantee.

Translation Bureau in Bucharest, big billboard:
Legalised Translations!

Hotel elevator, Paris:
Please leave your values at the front desk.

Hotel, Athens:
Visitors are expected to complain at the office between the hours of 9 and 11 am daily.

Tailor shop, Rhodes:
Order your summers suit. Because is big rush, we will execute customers in strict rotation.

Hotel brochure, Italy:
This hotel is renowned for its peace and solitude. In fact, crowds from all over the world flock here to enjoy its solitude.

Hotel lobby, Bucharest:
The lift is being fixed for the next day. During that time we regret that you will be unbearable.

In the lobby of a Moscow hotel across from a Russian Orthodox monastery:
You are welcome to visit the cemetery where famous russian and soviet composers, artists, and writers are buried daily except thursday.

From the "Soviet Weekly":
There will be a Moscow exhibition of arts by 15,000 soviet republic painters and sculptors. These were executed over the past two years.

Airline ticket office, Copenhagen:
We take your bags and send them in all directions.

Cocktail lounge, Norway:
Ladies are requested not to have children in the bar.

Hotel elevator, Belgrade:
To move the cabin, push button for wishing floor. If the cabin should enter more persons, each one should press a number of wishing floor. Driving is then going alphabetically by national order.

In a Swiss mountain inn:
Special today - no ice-cream.

French Tourism Brochure:

Ø       Under the heading " To see Calais" it refers to : The Jacquard Statue - " Situated before the municipal theatre, it's recalling the inventor of system for the reproduce a decorative design in a texture."

Ø       The Lighthouse - "It's counting 270 steps and it's taking her rays on night at 0.03 miles above of sea's gauge."

Ø       The Fisherman's District - "Called courgain maritime picturesquer, where it's agreable of to meet, in this populated district fishers ».

Ø       The Museum - "Made close to Richelieu's garden. Collections are visited every day except tuesday."

Ø       The French Memory's Moment - "Situated before of the town hall, it's the worked of architect Ghesquier - maugendre, statutory, elevated for Sidi Brahim, Dutertre Captain, soldiers of 1870 - 1871 and colonials expositions memories."

Ø       The Six Burgess Moment - " Calis is first all six burgess city, these notables, that made the lives sacrifice for to save those beseiged citizens."

Ø       The Watching Towers - " In wartime, it's serving of loockout's service charged of to watch enemy motion and in peacetime, of to inform firemans in case of fire and to show fire's direction.

Ø       The Notre Dame Church - "Demolished by last bombardements, these origins goes back at XIII century; finished under the english occupation; it's during of reconstruction and can't still to realize beauty of that architecture."

Ø       The Pluviose's Moment - "Erected on beach's avenue for to call submarine that sea's be buried before the Calais port in 1910, wen the opportunitie of fearless driving that made to passs under the regular liner."

Ø       Citadel - " French crowed for always Calais citadel. In 166 (sic), place's gouvernors of official residence, is attentive care of french's sovereigns, because of privilegied geographic position."

Ø       The Rescuer's Moment - "Situated in the Colme quay at paradis basin, it commemorate heroism recuer's Calais."

Ø       The Louis XVIII Collumn - "Face at the chamber of commerce, it's commemorate king's deplacement at to Calais, after Napoleon's fall in april 1814.".